Ask the Experts: Parenting Tips
This month we are teaming up with Christine Omilion-Sugg to learn how parents can better relate to and bond with their children. We feel her information is an important reminder as many of us are home with our little ones for the past few weeks and will be for potentially weeks to come. Remember, the create who they are by what they hear and see in their environments!
Here is a bit about Christine:
Christine earned her Masters of Clinical Mental Health degree from Oakland University with specializations in infant, child, and adolescent mental health. She has provided care at The Women’s’ Resource Center of Northern Michigan, Great Lakes Psychiatric, and is now serving clients at Petoskey Professional Counselors. She has worked closely with countless children and adolescents over the years, but is equally devoted and qualified to work with adults, couples, and families as well. You can contact Christine directly at (248) 765-8312 or email her at c.omilionsugg@gmail.com.
1. What are the ways parents can bond with their kids?
Oftentimes, as parents we are told that bonding looks one way – fun, exciting new adventures or activities. While these interactions are exciting and important, bonding can be done on a more feasible level and at a more consistent rate. We can bond by mindfully using our time while we are driving home with our kiddos by discussing the highs and lows of there day or singing to their favorite songs together. We can bond with our children by using the first 20-30 minutes when we get home to engage and play rather than jump to starting dinner or cleaning the home. We can bond with our children the 20 minutes before bedtime by reading stories, discussing what we are looking forward to doing the next day and by snuggling.
2. What can be done when tensions are high between parent and child?
I encourage parents to take a moment (or five) to self-regulate. This can be done with deep breathing, going for a short walk or calling a friend for support. Once we are regulated, we can help our children to self-regulate. Remember, our children rely heavily upon the right hemisphere of their brain. This half of the brain is responsible for emotional expression and emotional intelligence. Because children predominantly rely upon their right brain, we want to meet them at the emotional level and connect first before moving them to engaging the left hemisphere and begin problem solving.
3. What can be said that is constructive vs destructive? For example, “you’re not doing this right”, “you’re not very helpful”, or “you’re not trying hard enough”.
We have all been on the receiving end of harsh language and I bet, even as adults, it has stung! Now just imagine what it would be like for a child to hear critical statements from those that are closest to them – Yikes! As a rule of thumb, I encourage parents to imagine speaking to another child as they do their own children. If their words pass this test, most likely they are good to go. If we notice some hesitation, we might want to rethink what we are saying. If we need to correct behavior, I encourage parents to frame the request in a positive light while letting them know what the corrected behavior would look like. For example, instead of saying, “Stop hitting your baby sister” we can say, “Please use gentle hands with your baby sister. If you feel like you need to hit something, let’s go find a pillow to hit or some scrap paper to rip up.”
4. How can parents bolster their child’s self-esteem?
I think the most effective way to improve our childrens’ self-esteem is by remembering that our kiddos’ self-concept is developed in part by the way we speak and interact with them. With that in mind, let’s interact with our children as if they are the most loved, special, and curious little person out there. Some of the most important messages we can say to our children include;
I love you.
Look at how dedicated you were at ___.
I noticed you did not give up.
I appreciated when you __.
You are (brave, kind, strong, selfless, thoughtful, etc.)
I noticed you waited for your turn by (singing a song, dancing, drawing, etc.). What a great idea!
5. What are some ways to teach kindness/compassion to your child?
If we value kindness and compassion and want to instill this virtue into our children, we need to model it for our kids. Remember, our children are always watching, learning, and growing from what they are seeing us do.
6. How can parents help their children become independent thinkers?
I encourage parents to begin asking young children, “how could we solve this problem?” or “I want to know what you think about __.”
7. Is there anything else a parent should know about a developing child?
Behavior (almost always) occurs for a reason. Rather than getting frustrated with your child’s behavior, let’s get curious! Ask yourself, why might this behavior be occurring? What might my child be trying to communicate with me? What do I want to teach them in this moment? Remember, discipline is teaching.