This month we are hearing from Phil and Diane Bowman, who coach Micah and Emily through their marriage. Phil actually officiated Micah and Emily’s wedding ceremony! They have helped countless couples all across the country grow in their trust, communication, and love for one another with their counseling through Caring For the Heart Ministries. See below to check out their advice on how to strengthen the relationships in your life!

We have been patients of Dr. Emily since she opened her practice. We have received chiropractic care for many years, but never received the benefit of the kind of care that we receive from Dr. Emily. She is sensitive, thorough, helpful, and kind.

In April, we will be married 49 years. We have 5 children and 13 grandchildren. All of our adult children have benefited from this training. We have always had a good relationship and were committed to one another. However, after meeting with someone that we later trained under, our adult children wondered what had happened to us. We gained a deeper understanding of who we were actually married to and our communication with one another was from a heart level.

We do marriage relationship training that results in resolution. We have seen hundreds of people in many states and countries. It is our joy to watch couples really understand one another and fall in love again.

Dr. Emily has asked us to share a few tips that hopefully will greatly improve your marriage relationship. It is truly our blessing to do so.

Acknowledge, Accept, & Care

Several months ago we were enjoying a meal at a soup and salad buffet. A young boy was carefully carrying his plate over to his table. He was so cautiously watching his plate that he walked into the corner of the table. As he cried, he hit the table with his fist and said, "Stupid table".

When his dad arrived on the scene, he adjusted the table and told the boy to stop crying. Problem solved. Not really. The little boy was possibly left feeling sad, misunderstood, not cared for, and blamed. Who's fault was all that?
-The boy for walking into the table?
-The table for being in the way and hurting the boy?
-The father for not carrying his son's full plate?
-The mother for not being attentive to her son?

We all tend to play the Blame Game. Even Adam and Eve played it. The woman made me eat the fruit. The serpent beguiled me. This blame shift causes guilt, low self-image, rejection and more blame shifting.

Resolution is simple: acknowledge, accept the issue, and care about what the other person is feeling. Validate their pain with a gentle touch and kind words. Some suggesting might be the following:

I'm sorry you got hurt.
Can I help you?
Are you okay?
I'm so sorry that happened.

This way there is no blame, shame, guilt or condemnation. Just remember acknowledge, accept, and care. AAC

Learn How to Compliment Others

When was the last time someone affirmed, complimented, or praised you? This is a practice that should begin at home with our spouse and family. It's been said that we need ten parts praise for every negative we hear. Sadly many of us do not know how to affirm others and we all are needy in this area.

We received excellent service at a local business. We asked if we could please speak with a manager so that we could express our gratefulness for the quality of service. The manager came expecting a criticism. He was nearly speechless after our compliments. Sometimes it's hard to compliment others. So here are a few suggestions that may be helpful.

I appreciate your diligence.

You have been so thoughtful.

Thank you for listening.

I'm proud of you.

I'm grateful for you.

Thank you for taking time for me.

Thank you for thinking of me.

How can I help you today?

My day is surely better because of you.

I value your opinion.

Thank you for your hard work.

I missed you today.

I'm sure glad you are my SPOUSE, son, daughter, friend.

Learn to Share What You Are Feeling

When things aren't going well we tend to blame other people. We have found it very helpful to use the words "it feels like". Basically we are saying, "based on my perception it feels like......" Our perception is our reality. Let us explain.

After a hard day of work, a husband arrives home expecting his dinner to be ready and he anticipates a quiet evening watching his favorite tv program. What he finds is no dinner or even the smell of something cooking, sick children, a messy house, and an exhausted wife. Let's try this one. "Honey, you obviously have had a hard day. How can I help?" His perception is that it was a hard day at home too. Wise man! He chose to serve his family.

On another evening as they sat down for dinner, someone may have said that they hate lasagna. Another family member could have added more sauce, cheese, onion, and seasonings. Perhaps mom could have said, "It feels like I can't please anyone." Dad could have said, "It feels like I don't make enough money for us to eat out." Neither of these are accurate perceptions, but to them it feels accurate. When many of these happen we begin to believe lies about ourselves and others.

If we use the words "it feels like" no one is blamed, humiliated or guilty. It simply says, "based on my perception I am feeling like....." By sharing without blaming or guilt we can see what others are feeling and be more sensitive to them. It has been said that if you can feel, you can heal. All of us want to be listened to and understood. If we listen, try to understand, and care by validating what another is feeling, we will enhance relationships.

Listening to : Understand, Care, and Validate

Remember when you first fell in love? You couldn't stop looking at one another. Your eyes locked, you smiled, and you felt your heart pound. How quickly after marriage did you stop looking into one another's eyes? It has been said that the eyes are the gateway to the heart. Did you know that you can revive your relationship by simply looking into one another's eyes for just five minutes a day? When we suggested this to one couple, the wife jumped on her husband's lap and said, "I'm going to like this!" Try it, you might like it!

If your home is like ours, you often have interrupted conversations. The phone rings, someone comes to visit, a child has a need and something stops your conversation. Other times, we only listen to part of the conversation and quickly respond or suggest a solution-even if we only have part of the story. This can lead to wrong assumptions and misunderstandings.

Listen to all that is shared before answering. We cannot assume we already know. Women often have lots of details and men often have it mentally "fixed" very quickly. Sometimes we only want you to listen. Then, we want to hear, "I'm so sorry!" or "Can I do something?" or "Let me hug you." Try listening to understand, care, and validate. UCV

Don’t Blame - Analyze!

When issues arise, analyze. Often the immediate issue is not the problem. We have found if you use the word "it feels like" no one will feel the need to retaliate or return evil for evil and blame one another.

Blame can bring shame and guilt. She drops her plate of dinner. He exclaims, "What happened?" She sadly replies, " I dropped my entire plate of food." He yells, " Well, why would you do that?!" Very quietly she says, " It was an accident." She could feel blamed, condemned, clumsy, misunderstood, stupid, and no longer wants to eat. He gets mad and says things that he regrets.

Analyze: To her it feels like she doesn't measure up and she never does anything right. She may say, "I'm just a messy slob".
If she can express how she feels, he has the opportunity to affirm and validate what she is feeling. He might say some of the following:

“Sweetheart, accidents happen. You did not purposely do this. You measure up in so many ways and
there are so many things you do that are amazing. “

“I'm sorry this happened. Let me help you clean up.”

It has been said that the power of life and death is in our tongue. Let's use our words to bring joy and edification to those we love.

Shift Your Focus

Often each day for several months I have heard in my mind the statement, "It's all about me." Sometimes I have even said it out loud in front of my wife. She laughs as much to say, "You think?" You may be amazed at how this applies to us all. She makes breakfast for me daily, does the laundry, cooks, cleans, and has a desire to serve and please me. We all naturally look at things from our own perspective. It can be called self-focus.

Self-focus can affect our speech, attitudes, decisions, priorities and relationships. The root cause can be from one or both parents who were self-focused or pain from circumstance of life. It takes multiple decisions to put others first. I find it an uphill battle to get ahead of serving where my wife is concerned. It sure is rewarding and great fun to try! It has been said that if we give, it will be given back to us in many ways. One word sums up what I'm trying to say, OTHERS.

Early in our marriage my wife was certain that I had a hearing issue. As time went on, she was more and more convinced of this problem. Out of respect for her I had a hearing test. To my shame it was revealed that I had perfect hearing. Years later, I found out that because of childhood trauma I had a real problem being able to focus and my thoughts wandered all over the place all the time.

In the course of my life my wife found a cure to a relationship problem that I was causing. When she wants me to hear what she has to say, she simply touches me. Then, I'm able to focus on her and hear what she has to say. I have also learned to listen to conversations all the way through without interruption, allowing her to complete her sentences. What joy it is to connect on a heart level!

Thank you Phil and Diane for sharing your wisdom with us!

Ask the Experts: 6 Tips to Help Improve your Relationship