He Said/ She Said: Micah and Dr. Emily’s Q and A on Marriage
February is the month of love! This month we are going to answer some questions about marriage and how we react and respond to certain instances. To spice things up a bit we have asked both Dr. Emily and her husband to answer the same questions! Let’s see what the results say!
1. What is the most difficult thing about being married?
She said:
The most difficult part of being married is that it’s not just you anymore. This is the good and the bad. The bad in the fact that when I clean the house and come home and it’s already dirty again or when I do the laundry and everything is clean only to find Micah has thrown a shirt in the laundry basket 5 minutes later. It was also hard for me to learn that apparently laundry does not have to be folded a certain way. For the longest time I would get frustrated by how Micah folded a sweatshirt or his socks but then I realized, he is helping with the laundry. The help far outweighs the fact that he is not folding it how I would do it. I had to learn to let go a lot of my OCD/control when we got married which was quite a feat for me!
He said:
Most difficult thing is disappointing and hurting your partner when you do not intend to. It is hard to see the pain that you caused them.
2. What surprised you about marriage?
She said:
What surprised me most about marriage was that I have this person who loves me unconditionally. I guess I had always known this but every year we are together I am surprised by how much he knows me and cares to get to know me more. Sometimes I think, “wow! how did he know I would want that before I even knew”. It is amazing and comforting to know there is someone that loves you so much and would do anything for you. Knowing each year gets better and better makes me excited to grow old with this man. I can’t wait to see where we are in 10 years, 20 or more!
He said:
The most surprising part of marriage is that you always have someone there with you.
3. Did marriage change your relationship?
She said:
I don’t feel that marriage has changed our relationship. Maybe the biggest change is that with each year we seem to grow in our understanding of one another. Micah seems to be more keen on my needs and I hope that I am the same way with him. For example: Micah knows I need to eat a lot so he will often come up with a game plan when running errands to make sure we make time for lunch. I will find an excuse to say we are too busy to eat, but he knows I get hangry if I skip meals, so he makes eating a priority to keep me happy and healthy!
He said:
Just that I became much more comfortable with my partner.
4. How do you achieve goals together/work together/ compromise?
She said:
I think being married has allowed us to view ourselves as a team. We either succeed together or fail together. So, when one of us has a goal it becomes important to both of us to help achieve that goal. We make a point to help each other out when one of us is experiencing more stress. This may mean doing extra chores or letting your partner rest on the couch while you pick up the slack around the house.
Now compromising is a little more tough haha. We are both pretty stubborn people but at the end of the day it is important to realize that its not him versus me. We are a team and if I compromise or meet him half way then we both win. This lesson took a little longer to learn.
He said:
Have to sit and talk through life's challenges and triumphs.
5. How did premarital counseling set you up for success?
She said:
I feel that premarital coaching really helped us with our understanding of one another. We had to take questionnaires on how we see ourselves and then how we saw each other. It was very interesting for me to see myself through Micah’s eyes. We learned a lot about our pain patterns and how to help each other through our weaknesses rather than fight through them. The tools we learned we still use regularly. We often will say phrases like, “it was not my intent to …” which helps the other person to realize we don’t do things to hurt one another or spite one another. Sometimes, married couples just trip each other up and have to work through it.
He said:
It taught me how to step back and look at things through my partners perspective. Learning about how she handles different situations has really limited stress/fights as I can put myself in her shoes.
6. What are the secrets to a happy and healthy marriage?
She said:
I feel the secrets to a healthy marriage lie in loving your partner and wanting the best for them. No matter what we do, my goal is always to see a smile on Micah’s face. There will be and there have been tough times, sad times, happy times….but the important thing is we have each other.
We also try to be conscious of exercising regularly and supporting each other in that as well as eating well. Not to say we don’t occasionally binge on pizza, but for the most part we try to take care of our bodies and each other.
Another thing we try to do is on our anniversary we will hold hands and say our vows to each other once again. This keeps our promises to one another on the forefront of our minds. We also watch our wedding video and smile and laugh about the memories. If you remember to tune back in to why you fell in the love in the first place then you will not question your love through the tough times.
The final secret and probably the hardest would be open communication. No matter what you are feeling or how you are doing, it is important to share this with your partner. Let them know when they hurt you, but also let them know when they make you happy. Always say please and thank you to your spouse. It is amazing when I remember to tell Micah thank you for something how his smile perks up and he stands a little taller. Also mention when they make you proud! Remember, this is your teammate! You are working together and if you are building each other up, you will only be stronger in the end.
He said:
Never go to bed mad, overuse I love you, never take them for granted.
7. How do you apologize when you know you are in the wrong?
She said:
Fortunately, as a wife, I am always right. So I don’t have this problem! Haha :) …..In all honesty, if i know I am wrong I usually will wallow in self pity for a bit before I finally get the courage to own up to it. This is definitely an area I need improvement on. But, when I finally work up the courage and mutter my apology, I see that big smile on Micah’s face and I feel better. His smile isn’t one of “I told you so”. His smile is one that portrays kindness and sympathy and love. He doesn’t gloat or rub it in my face, but I can see that my small act of apologizing has made his entire day. This, my friends, is worth it.
He said:
Try to do something nice for them and say I'm sorry.
